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Ishetalia

From the ashes
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Story to Share

10 min read
I think it's a good time to share a story.  This isn't one I've written.  This is the story about my week.  You see, I'm going through a lot.  I know that's not unusual for people.  Everyone goes through a lot of crud in their life, but I feel the need to talk about it because it's talking about something that not many people do: depression.  I've dealt with depression many times through out my adult life.  I've been through a lot of crud...a lot of stuff that I tend to hold in and hat I'm just now starting to open up about and connect with others about, others who have been through similar experiences.

My wedding is in four months.  I'm filled with both excitement and trepidation.  I know that Brian is the man I'm meant to be with.  He takes amazing care of me.  He listens to me, even when I'm putting myself down...when I'm having bad days.  He deals with my depression the best way he can from the outside: by loving me and supporting me.  It's hard to explain to others the feeling that go on inside me.  He tries to understand; he really does, but it's hard.

But anyways, as such, we are in full planning mode, which is very stressful.  Earlier this week, we decided to go shoe shopping for me.  Here is what I posted on Face book about it:

Seeing and reading this is kind of timely for me. You see, yesterday we went shoe shopping for me. I wanted a new pair of sandals and to look into a pair of shoes for the wedding. I also wanted a pair of ankle boots I had seen on the website, but sadly, those were not meant to be. Due to various things, I have to get flats and wide width. This makes it difficult to find decent shoes at times. I had already looked at the the bridal shoe offerings online, and while I hadn't been impressed, I was hoping maybe there would be something different in store. There wasn't. All the flats offerings looked like crap, while the heels looked gorgeous and pretty. In the end, I got two pairs of the same sandal, one in white and one in black.

But this made me depressed and it snowballed into a bigger thing. I ended up breaking down on Brian twice last night. Not only am I under a tremendous amount of stress with planning the wedding and making sure we can pay for it all, but with school, my health, and going through the bankruptcy. To add this on top of it, and I just don't feel pretty...beautiful. With all my health problems and the machines/meds that go with them, I tend to feel like a freaky monster of nature. I was wearing one of my soft, elastic headbands yesterday with some bobby pins to hold it in place because my hard headband has been making my headaches worse, but all I could think about was people seeing me and comparing me to Richard Simmons like my brother did one time, and it hurt. No, I shouldn't worry about what others think, but I do. I want to look good when I go out. At times it feels like the only thing I can control.

It's hard when I have days like this. It can be devastating when little things can have such a damaging effect.


This post was accompanied by a photo French model Tara Lynn and an inspirational story.  That's not pertinent to this journal, but if you would like to see it, you can go here.  As you can see, it was a rough experience for me.  I was doing a bit better Tuesday, then Wednesday hit...

I'm in the process of going through bankruptcy.  It's a long story, but the fact of the matter is that it is a necessary part of my life right now and it needs to be done before Brian and I get married in August.  I'll be better for it in the long run.  Wednesday, I was all set to work on classwork (my Final Paper is due this week), and I received a call from my bankruptcy lawyer's office assistant.  (Note that I have two lawyers because I am still trying to get disability for my health issues.)  She was quite rude and harsh over the phone, insisting that my student loans were income and wouldn't explain more when I asked her about it.  She pretty much gave me a "it just is!" answer, which I found unsatisfactory.  So instead of going to our eight-year-old nephew's Earth Day play (where he was a spider), my fiancé and I made a trip to my bank to get paperwork, and then to the lawyer's office to give them the paperwork.  Luckily, the lawyer was still there, and after the meeting she was in, was willing to see us without an appointment.  She explained why we had to have that information and that while my student loans technically do not count as income, we have to account for it due to some court stuff.  She relieved some of my stress and answered my questions.  I was also able to tell her my feelings about the assistant, which she chalked up to a bad day, and I get that, we all have them, bt it was nice being able to state my problems.

All of this has made me very depressed this week.  Add to that that it is technically Finals week, and we get even more stress.  I also turn thirty-two this weekend.  So I'm questioning a few things...like if I'm doing the right thing pursuing the degree that I am; is being an author really the path that I'm supposed to be following; am I doing the right thing?  I feel like a failure because I'm having to file for bankruptcy.  I feel like a failure because I don't get a lot of people commenting on my work here or following my page over on Facebook.  I know I shouldn't be worried about that and I should write for myself, but this is a competitive business, and my classes are teaching me that you have to have a platform, otherwise publishers won't look at you.  I try to build my platform.  I post, share, and what not, but it feels like no matter what I do, it's not enough.  I'm just at a loss as to what to do and it leaves me depressed and questioning myself.

I love to write, but is that enough?

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Absence

5 min read
Sorry about not being around much lately!  It must seem like I fell off the face of the planet or that The Doctor made off with me.  8D  Anyways, now that I am no longer taking Literary Theory (which kicked my butt and yet I managed to ace), I think I can get back into the swing of things.  With that said, I should update with some project stuff:

:bulletblue: I would love some feedback on the notes I just posted on

Mature Content

.  Tell me watch ya'll think!  :D
:bulletblue: Pandora is the running title for a multipart story with multiple heroines spanning thousands of years from the distant past to the far flung future, features some of history's greatest decades in between.  Based on the Greek myth of Pandora's Box.
:bulletblue: Collecting various character stuff for my many projects.

Thanks for hanging in with me guys!

(I should graduate Summer of 2016 with my BA, but we are discussing me maybe getting my Master's.  :ninja: )

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If I Could DD...

11 min read
So the awesome inknalcohol challenged us to come up with a list of pieces that we feel deserve a DD.  My favorites are full of so many pieces that I think deserve one, but I'm only going to include a few here, in no particular order (and may include a few authors twice, but they are so good!).  Please feel free to take a look at them:

What the Water Gave MeI didn't cry when Tam Lin went away. I broke into the local pool after it closed and everyone was gone, and I read the books he left me, and I waited.
I wondered if he listened to the mixes I made him, if he practiced his diving. If anyone over there was trying to beat him up, the way they had when he moved here, before we were friends. But mostly, I wondered if Tam was waiting, too.
***
I'd hoped to see him when my parents moved us to America. I knew we were just one of many, an exodus away from Ireland after the economy collapsed, but we were moving to the same area, and Tam had sent his address when he arrived. He'd never answered my letters, but I thought I'd look anyway. Surely he'd have time for me if I came in person.
I knew I was being pathetic, but I didn't care. I wanted to see his face again. In my wallet I kept a photo of us together: I had folded and unfolded it so often that the paper had become like velvet when I pressed it to my cheek. Sad indeed.
After I got settled in
The Dead God's RevelationLucien scrubbed with harsh soap until his skin was red and stinging, then stepped under a jet of hot water. He’d been doing this forever, but it still made him grimace and squirm. After drying with a rough cotton towel, he pulled a clean white robe that smelled of magic and disinfectant over his head, placed a soft cloth cap over his short hair, and stepped into straw sandals that scratched his feet.
He placed his hand against the doorway to the patients’ area. Magic pushed against him like a strong wind; he relaxed into it, and the door slid open. Lucien took stock. At the moment he had only two subjects. The man was asleep, his skin flushed with fever and marked with red bumps that had not yet begun to flake and bleed.
Lucien turned to the girl. She was little more than a child. Blood leaked from the corners of her eyes and mouth; her breathing was shallow, barely audible. She did not stir when Lucien dabbed the blood off her skin, so lightly as to apply almost no pressur
CapturedMoonlight filtered in through the iron bars, filling the small stone cell with minimal amounts of light.  Crickets could be heard chirping; singing their nightly song in the field beyond the cellblock that was located along the west wall of the city of Thrace.  James Carding leaned against the left wall of his cell, one hand fingering the split lip he had received while trying to resist his captors.  He couldn't believe he'd been caught; Drake and Aislinn were never going to let him live this down.  Well, they wouldn't if he ever managed to escape.
He sighed and climbed to his feet, starting to pace his cell, trying to work out the kinks and stiffness from having been sitting for so long, and from having the crap kicked out of him when he wouldn't just "come along quietly" like the guards had demanded. He approached the bars and stuck his head out as far as it would go, trying to see down either end of the hall, looking for a guard or someone to
LostYour slouch says it all
and the way
you wear your hat
in your hands
like something condemned
or a color
you cannot remember.
Words
cannot chase you here
or follow
in the footsteps
of people
whose faces vanish
like purgatory
and pictures
torn from wallets.
Sounds
will not echo
or move
through your sleep
of tears
in blind comfort.
And no song
that bleeds your name
across the pillows
and leaves you falling
like dreams
that slipped through winter...
<da:thumb id="336350943"/> A Witch Named Carmine-1Carmine absently wandered through the creature-infested wood.
Pixies and nymphs fluttered curiously around her head, while trolls hid in the safety of their hollow dens as she approached them. She knew this wood like the back of her hand, if anything were to attack her in here, then it was sent with a reason.
Soon Carmine stopped. The path she had been following had suddenly opened up to a grassy glen, leaving her feeling very exposed.
To her right there was a babbling river, now slightly frozen with the on coming winter. Birds of various varieties whistled and tweeted, invisible in the canopy of branches. Butterflies and dragonflies buzzed about the flowers, some poisonous, some edible, around her feet. Carmine cautiously stepped towards the river; tales of disappearances had surfaced to her village from this place, normally she would have avoided this area all together, but her frazzled mind hadn't been focused as to her destination.
Something evil resides here…She assume
Leaves Of DanceAutumn leaves
Of yellow.
Swirling air
In fall.
Twisting to
A beat of
Their own.
Dancing.

I twist the pen
In my hand.
Staring out
The window.
The leaves
Are falling again.
Winter is coming
Soon.
Dancing...
Ink starts to
Drop.
Images form
In my head.
Leaves grow
Hands and hair
A body
Petite.
Wind blowing
In their hair
Dancing alone
Each to a different beat.
Fallen
Connected
Together
By the fated
Fall.
Inspiration...
Sneaks up
On you.
It can be the
Smallest thing.
The smallest
Feather
The softest
Word.
Inspiration can give you
The feeling
Of everything...
Yet nothing.
The feeling of
Peace
With a spark
Light.
Accomplishment
So subtle
That you don't
Notice.
Beauty.
Tenshin Diaries chapter 1Name: Crystal
Name of the Diary: ???
Date: November 19
I found this diary together with some old photos, I dont really have anything else to do, so I guess I should write here sometime...
20 of November                     
I couldn't die so easily, I don't remember how many times I tried to kill myself but… it never worked… didn't really make any change at all… Several times I had internal bleedings, broken bones… a pain so strong that my screams could literally bring the dead back to life… but after a while… the injuries… they would just heal, my bleeding would stop and I could also hear the cracking of my bones reshaping themselves… I got used to the cold feeling of my veins when all the blood was spilled all over the floor… but… that never killed me…
24 of november
My life on the other hand… was insupportable in few wor
Memento Mori- Chapter 1A seemingly androgynous form sat in a darkened space. Emptiness surrounded her, giving her the essence of floating in the nothingness. Static danced about her, spilling itself over her thighs and crackling in her ears. She could hear it well, listening to its whirr and zip from moving around so rapidly. Its cackle was overbearing, yelling at her as she sat. Her stillness agitated it, giving it reason to spit at her quiet solace. However, she did not listen. She had learned to ignore the cries of static. The fickle electricity gave her no remorse, no regret. It was useless in her mind and she let that be shown. She showed no kindness to those she could not toy with. She needed emotions and such simple beings of nature didn't have such glorious properties.
She bent over, wrapping her arms tightly around her calves. The static grew madly, spreading itself along her back and playing amongst her chin-length black hair. It tickled her lips and pinched her cheeks.
She spun frontwards, releasi
Storms: A SequelThe lightning bolt:
Flash!
Beat Of the Drums - Part OnePounding drums. They reverberated throughout the entire forest. The thick scent of tart sap and sweet honey was too powerful, swamping her, dulling her senses and made her limbs feel more heavy than she could bear to handle.
She didn't understand why she felt she should flee. War drums were a familiar sound to her, something she understood completely. She was one of the Tree-Leapers, who pinned off the enemy clan members with their bows. She wasn't great, but she was useful.
Now that she knew her primary target, though, all she could do was flee. Which would leave her alone, without food or companion and most likely a terrible headache to go with it all. She'd never be accepted back as a deserter, but she couldn't just kill her friend who felt like a sister.
She stopped running. She didn't know why the power of the scents was overtaking her now. But they were.
Just great. All of my honourable life I've gotten by as one of the Tree Leapers. Now I'm a deserter, and my clan will
<da:thumb id="38627021"/>

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Hey everyone!  I figured it was time to update, and there is a bunch of stuff going on.  This month hasn't been much better than last, so let's get the show on the road:

-My heart problems are still going on.  I have seen the new cardiologist and for the most part, I like him.  They are doing an intense, full work on me, which most of it has already happened.  A couple weeks ago, I had a CT with contrast done, as well as blood draws and a halter monitor on for 24 hrs.  (The last was the worse because I'm allergic to adhesives and I broke out really bad despite the tech putting skin prep on to try and prevent it.)  While the results of some of the testing is back, I won't know what it all means until I see the doctor next in February.

-I've been sick for almost a week now.  It seems ot be related to my sinuses and I'm seeing my ENT on Tuesday.  I lost my voice, but it seems to be back now, though it still cuts out a bit.

-We are still dealing with fall out from my fiancé's car accident in October.  A couple days after we bought our new car, he began having misfires and issues.  We took it to a mechanic, who replaced all the spark plugs.  We thought it was fixed, but were wrong.  A few days after we got it back from the mechanic, it all began again.  My fiancé took it back to the same mechanic (we liked them and they were really helpful), who did more testing and looking at it.  They came back saying that it was a problem with the head casket and recommended we take it to the dealership.  He did this and they held onto it for about a week.  His dad and him picked it up last night.  They claim that it wasn't the issue that we were told it was, aren't believing the mechanic we took the car to (despite a written statement from them), and did repairs that we weren't expecting.  My fiancé was ready for a fight, but decided to take the nice route again and paid for the repairs (which we really shouldn't of had to since it was stuff they missed before selling it) and brought it home.  He said it handled good on the drive, but he's expecting the problem to rise again and is preparing to fight them on it.

-My nephew got out of the hospital around Halloween.  He's doing okay, but this week, he ended up in the hospital for a couple of days again to get one of his shunts replaced.  He is back home and happy.  :heart:

-The wonderful people over at BeACritic have featured me in a journal here: BeACritic: FenicksrebornIshetalia

The Challenge
:bulletblack: Pick at least one of the thumbs above*
:bulletblack: Read it
:bulletblack: Comment or Critique it**
:bulletblack: Comment on this Journal with a LINK to your critique***
:bulletblack: Wait for the results to come out!
Start Date: NOW!
End Date: November 30th, 2014 @ 11:59PM EST(US)
The Prizes
:bulletblack: One random winner will receive a comment/critique from me
:bulletblack: Best feedback will receive 50:points:****
Winners from @
:bulletblack: Malintra-Shadowmoon won a comment/critique from me.
:bulletblack: Ishetalia won 50[Points]
Interested in being Featured?
Awesome! It's real simple to sign up. Just drop a note to the group with the thumbcodes to three of your deviations you'd like to receive feedback on. Prose, poetry, scripts, anything (as long as it
.  Please stop by, take a look at the pieces, and leave me some critiques!  :heart:

-I'm working on a piece for my class and could really use some feedback.  You can find it here:

Mature Content

:heart:

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What a Week

5 min read



It's been a very long week here in Seattle.  Month really, but I don't know if I can explain every thing here without it getting too long.  Here are the highlights:

:bulletorange: On Monday, my mother took my grandmother to the ER at Harborview.  My grandmother fell last Saturday.  After x-rays and stuff, they determine that she broke both of the rods in her back due to the fall.  (The rods are there because of the degenerative bone disorder she has, the same one I was diagnosed with about a month ago.)  She had surgery on Wednesday to replace these rods.  It ended up being a seven hour surgery.  My mom has been at the hospital with her.  I can't be due to catching my dad's head cold last week.  My grandmother is doing okay now.  I talked to her last night and she sounded good.

:bulletorange: Wednesday morning, my fiancee was in a car accident.  It was a minor one, and thank goodness they hadn't gotten up to speed yet as it happened just after making a turn.  it could have been a lot worse.  We are dealing with the fall out from this still.  He is in pain and angry at the other driver, but he is okay.  We have a rental for at minimum the next week.

:bulletorange: A little over a month ago, I called in my heart medication.  I have a condition called tachycardia, which means that my heart has a tendency to beat faster than normal.  Where normal people's hearts beat between 70 to 90 beats per minute (bpm), mine goes between 110 and 120 bpm without medication, but it can spike higher.  A couple week's ago, I ended up in the local ER for it.  They made sure no underlying things were causing the spike, such as a cold or infection, and ended up determining that it was because I don't have my medication.  We've been fighting to get me back on it, but Medicaid doesn't want to cover it since it is not one of their preferred medications.  Last week, I saw my PCP and she put me on a new heart medication, one that the insurance will cover, and referred me to a cardiologist at the UW Medical Center (which I requested to go there because I have had nothing but good doctors up there).  I don't think the medication is working as my heart rate has not really gone down.  I had physical therapy for my back/hip yesterday, and my heart rate started at 117 bpm and went up to around 130 bpm.  It stayed up at around 130 bpm and we weren't able to get much of the evaluation done.  I had only done light activity.  My fiancee brought me right straight home instead of us going to the store like we had planned.  I had to tall him to go to his chiropractic appointment by himself today as I didn't want to overstress my heart.  It sucks major monkey balls.  :-(

So, yeah, this has been a long and stressful week/month.  I hope it starts getting better.  At least I am doing good in my class and I get next week off from it.  I think I will be playing lots of WoW.

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Featured

Story to Share by Ishetalia, journal

Absence by Ishetalia, journal

If I Could DD... by Ishetalia, journal

Do not pass Go... by Ishetalia, journal

What a Week by Ishetalia, journal